Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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