wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
