he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
