On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
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It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
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Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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