I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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