i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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