a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
