After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
