i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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