i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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