so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
