I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize