There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
