Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
