Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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