I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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