fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
