Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
