Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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