just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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