cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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