Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
