I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
