I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
