she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
