She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
