just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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