i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
