Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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