Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
