i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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