You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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