I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
