Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
