You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
