Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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