Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
