if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
two words: eviction party
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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