Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
