does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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