Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
