D3 body, D1 cock
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
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I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
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We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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