Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
