life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
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i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
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Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize