Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
