That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
