took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
