THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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