If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
