You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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