her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
