the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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