Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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