We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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