so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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