I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
