i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
