Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
They took my balls.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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