i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
