I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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